No time for me

So much for a new phase in my life, where I have more free time than I ever have had as a mother.  Take this blog, for example.  I felt ready to commit to having a blog that I’d need to update regularly.  I was so excited to finally get this up and running, starting with a few posts that I really enjoyed writing.  I was so hopeful that I’d finally have time and energy to do something I really enjoy, that I’ve been wanting to do for a long time.

It seemed like such a good idea at the time, but of course that time was while I was away from home and the five kiddos who occupy all of my waking and many of my sleeping hours.  Of course it seemed like a good idea at the time.

But it’s been a rough bunch of weeks since then, filled with very little that I can remember or would call extraordinary.  There have been school conferences, house cleanings, soccer games, gymnastics practices, house cleanings, grocery shopping, an unexpected trip to the vet, laundry folding, a spilled-on computer, (did I already mention house cleanings?)... No shortage of stuff to fill my time.  But it seems that the one thing missing has been something to fulfill me.

And the end result is that the house is still dirty, the laundry is never totally done, the kids always have someplace else to go and I am grumpy and overwhelmed.

Like most mothers, I’ve become so used to meeting everyone’s needs that it is now just what I do, but I’m beginning to realize that I need to make myself a priority.  As I have adjusted from single carefree woman, to a new stepmother of three, to a mother of an infant, to a mother of a toddler, and finally to a mother of an infant and a toddler and three big kids, I have gotten more and more used to doing everything for everyone.  One day I realized that things for me rarely made it onto my to-do list, and when I bravely started to add them, I found that they were the first to get knocked off.

But recently I decided to start asserting to myself that MY needs are important too, and it seems that is where all hell broke loose.  I realize that this, too, is a transition, and that one of these days I will skillfully balance everything, including my own stuff. 

But not today.  Time for me to sign off and deliver Katye’s forgotten gym shorts to school so she can try out for the annual track meet.  Never mind that it’s a Tuesday, and Katye doesn’t spend any time with us on Tuesdays.  I’m the one she called when she realized she didn’t have what she needed becauseshe knows I am the one who meets everyone’s needs, whether they’re on my list or not. 

Self, I promise that someday you’ll be a regular priority on my list.  Hopefully soon.